Inviting Gayatri

2009-07-01T13:32:00.001-05:00

in bloom

2009-05-11T20:44:00.002-05:00

first cries. first outing. firsts abound.

2009-04-23T10:43:00.002-05:00

there has never been such beauty or truth in the world.
Estella Dauphine. Born 4/15 @ 2:37 a.m.
Not even 24 hours old in this picture.
Already sizing things up.
Joy has new depths and love is boundless.
There is a divinity only newborn babies hold and I am profoundly lucky to be in her presence.

annointed with rose oil

2009-03-29T10:17:00.004-05:00

don't forget what that sage told you when her hands were on my belly. she helped clear a path for you. only you know what time is most auspicious to leave your watery bardo for the bright light that awaits us. the moment is eternally etched into me. it has been there, waiting for you to complete it, for much longer than my lifetime.

2009-03-25T19:56:00.002-05:00

desire and will do not, in themselves, see obfuscations. it is only the eye wired to anxiety, insecurity, and doubt that allows obstructions to even touch the surface of our strongest intentions. sometimes in trying to see everything, we instead see things that are not there.

when all that's left is the mine shaft

2009-03-15T00:18:00.006-05:00

never mind the canary, it's just sleeping. don't tarry, the time has come to face Reality. oh, and it doesn't look anything like you expected. that's the part they always forget to mention.

things are not as solid as they seem. everything can go up in smoke - as if nothing happened at all. the essence is in this moment. tap into the nectar - it's already inside of you, but it can not nourish you until it has been freely given.

track//\\switch

2009-02-15T16:19:00.003-06:00

Though it has taken me about twelve years and significant struggle against myself I finally know which direction I need to be moving. It felt like an elemental shift took place last night when I had what is probably one of the most important realizations of my life thus far. It isn't anything new, these stones have been turned over in my mind dozens of times, but there was a wholeness naturally arising from the investigation. I felt peace and elation simultaneously. I can't make excuses for it, I know I have to do it, and I can see the manifold outcomes. It takes me to the end result of every goal I have for myself through a career.

The criteria were:
1) Interpersonal value
2) Extension of existing skillsets
3) Potential for stability and financial solvency
4) Creative application
5) Room for interweaving interests, explicitly or implicitly

Physical therapy. I have considered it very seriously before but now all the signs point in the right direction. I will know that what I am doing is of direct benefit to someone else, it is easily wed to my interest in alternative healing practices, and simply thinking of doing that for the rest of my life brings me joy. At the least, I will be employed as a physical therapy assistant (which only requires an associate's degree) by the time my child starts kindergarten. Hope has returned and fear is diminished.

Baby Steps

2009-01-22T21:06:00.007-06:00

A Walk


My eyes already touch the sunny hill,
going far ahead of the road I have begun.
So we are grasped by what we cannot grasp;
it has inner light, even from a distance-

and changes us, even if we do not reach it,
into something else, which, hardly sensing it,
we already are; a gesture waves us on
answering our own wave...
but what we feel is the wind in our faces.

Ranier Maria Rilke, Translated by Robert Bly
(yes, a translation! *shudder*)

Reminder:

2009-01-16T19:43:00.002-06:00

Nodding your head does not row the boat -- Irish Proverb

emerge

2009-01-01T20:48:00.004-06:00

when the day comes, neither you or I will have any say in it. we have to give in to the whirlpool, the immense force beyond gravity, and allow our convergence to take a different form. dark submersion will abruptly become arid, bright daylight. we will both gasp for our first breath. what could be more mystical than this?

little one (warning : cheese factor is high)

2008-12-17T12:34:00.004-06:00

little one, kicking
little one, squirming
little one, floating
little one, topsy turvy
little little one, emerging from winter's thaw

I can not imagine a moment unattached from you

You inspire belief in the unthinkable

new brew

2008-12-12T22:27:00.003-06:00

It is by the very process of solving that problems become mired in themselves.....so shed all the evidence. Forget the schemes. Forget everything that has come before. When all of the b.s. is out of the way it is so despicably easy to see what your motivations are that you might just wish you could put your head deeper in the sand.

Oh, but it is so pleasantly loud and colorful and lush to be confused. Revel in the details, never to see an end in sight! Your life will never lack interest, sweeping dramatic curves will take you from one swing of the pendulum to another. Your love for the thrill will grow deeper and you may even thirst for it.

But if you stop long enough to take notice -- of the threshold of silence, the tea leaves settling slowly to the bottom of your mug, the perfection of each snowflake as it hits your windshield -- you may become horribly conflicted. It is easier to relate to the mania. It is exceptionally difficult to share an understanding of stillness. My tea kettle is worn through.

unleashed wisdom

2008-12-05T23:50:00.003-06:00

The quote of the evening, by far, comes from a software executive speaking to a support tech that has little to no musical training:

"I know the difference between C# and Cb. And I know that Cb is really just a B. And that is all you need to know."

stream of thought, 11/25

2008-11-25T22:24:00.004-06:00

the past is reduced to a taste, post-digestive effect, a puff of smoke. the future is like too much time behind a telescope staring at the night sky. am I just experiencing those contrivances, the befores and afters, through the looking glass of the present? isn't it possible that I *can't* be anywhere but where I am, even though the contents of my mind might convince me otherwise?

it's all a dream, everything is a dream.

"can you cultivate joy? joy without external cause?"

the dervish must whirl, the potter, fire up the kiln, and so must I be on a path of such inevitability.

2008-11-23T11:01:00.002-06:00

I got a letter over a month ago from the Lincoln Police Department that invited me to attend their Academy Graduation and Awards Ceremony because I am being given the Citizen's Certificate of Merit Award.

Um.....okay. I guess nothing that I have done in the past six months seems to be extraordinary. I was a property manager for a spell and managed to evict some bad tenants that were bringing down the neighborhood (which really is not as easy as you would think), I helped facilitate a neighborhood watch meeting for one of the buildings (not coordinate - facilitate - there was a community activist who did most of the legwork), and I called in an attempted burglary at a church across the street from my apartment in the middle of the summer.

Is that all it takes to get an award? Then every property manager who evicts someone on the police hot-list should get this award and every person who informs the police of a crime should also get this award.

I am eager to see how this pans out, at which time I will certainly update. I sort of feel sheepish accepting an award for doing things I would normally do, none of it felt like remarkable behavior. But as my mentor and friend Nicole would advise me, if someone wants to publicly acknowledge you *and* there's free food there - don't think twice about it.

Some Essentials for Yama Damstra

2008-11-16T21:56:00.012-06:00

This seasonal juncture has been dubbed "The King of All Junctures". Not to get too heavy, here, but the reason Yama (the Lord of Death) figures into the name is that there is also a belief that if a person's time is up, this juncture is when he slips in.

I am certain I have ample life force left in me, mind you, so this part of it does not particularly concern me. But, I think it helps illuminate the importance of this time of year. Plus it has already presented itself in the natural world vis a vis the end of harvest and forced hibernation due to the climate (at least, for those of us who really experience winter in its truest sense).

I have always found some comfort in this time of year, never having been one who enjoys heat all that much. Having to spend so much time indoors can actually lead to some really quality interfacing with other humans. This is a rarity. Especially in this age where email and text messaging is in vogue and corresponding by snail mail is viewed as precious or antiquated.

But back to the point of this thing - I attended a class by my formidably gracious and wise yoga teacher today about this very season and feel compelled to document some of my many pages of notes. Just a few morsels that I can look back at. Please pardon me for the following use of bullet points (!)

* The juncture itself is from Nov. 21 to Dec. 5. A seasonal juncture is a time when all the elements are wide open and things are in flux. The perfect time to plant the seeds of transformation or just basic adaptation for the season and for yourself as a whole. Yama Damstra is a time of ultimate vulnerability to this elemental change and openness and as such your weaknesses/vulnerabilities will be magnified even more than in the other junctures

* Ritucharya (seasonal regimen)- there are a bunch of "General Dharma Guidelines" but I might be infringing on copyright if I spout them and instead I will just talk more about things on the gross/physical level that need to be addressed. Besides, these are the things most of us (i.e. me!) really need to be mindful of before we can do much work on other koshas.

*This is the season where the air element is most out of balance because of the climate change, but earth and water elements also start to increase during this time as well. Because of this dichotomy, it is a delicate balance.

*Extra care needs to be taken for the kidneys and ojas/jing/essence

*Activities need to be reflective of your regular activities. A deeper meaning for recuperation is to engage in something other than what you are doing a majority of the time (ex. if you sit in front of a computer all day and are on the phone a great deal or interfacing with lots of people, recuperation does not involve any of those activities).

*Smaller, more regular meals.

*Early Winter (extending into mid to late January):

+salty, bitter, astringent, moderate quantity of sour, unctuous, warm, light and dry foods are recommended.
+avoid sweet, excess sour, cold or dry food, raw food, and excess food in general.

*Late Winter (through February and into March
+sour, salty, moderate sweet, unctuous, warm, more substantial quantities of food.
+avoid excess sweet, pungent, bitter, dry, cold, raw foods and eating too little.

As a general rule all spices are good for this season and will help make it possible to get all six tastes in the diet. But food is the primary medicine, spices are secondary and other natural materials are tertiary.

A few things, food and otherwise, that are particularly useful in this season (but in differing quantity and perhaps presentation depending on each person) are:

-ghee
-ginger
-roasted, spiced seeds (gomasio or roasted pumpkin seeds!)
-a little raw, unpasteurized honey (not heated as this creates toxins - don't cook with honey!)
-roasting and hand-grinding whole spices, masalas
-abhyanga (self massage with oil)
-eucalyptus, sandalwood, cyrpus, pine and spruce oils
-deep breathing, alternate nostril breathing
-yoga poses that are both grounding and mildly simulating such as locust, shoulder stand, staff pose, downward dog, and long, supported standing poses (triangle, warriors, tree). Cow's face, cobbler's pose, janu sirsasana/forward bends,etc.
-dry brush of the skin
-neti pot followed by gargling with triphala
-shirodhara
-bath with mineral salts/essential oils or a hot ginger compress on the kidneys and lower back

There are more specific rasayanas but, you know.....can't divulge too much........

note to self #27

2008-11-15T18:52:00.005-06:00

Taking the high road is not noble nor is it wise when there are perfectly reasonable and even enjoyable options presented to you that still address your needs and goals. Bemoaning their current lack of availability is more than just a waste of time, it is deterring you yet again from the simplest and likely the best way forward.

There is now and there is nothing else.

Don't move a muscle. Start where you are.

the plea, its answer, and hope

2008-11-10T18:18:00.012-06:00

I do wonder if you have read any of this blog, if you saw the licorice post, and in this moment I need to say that I have been struggling to find the words to express my responses to certain things and my complete lack of eloquence is directly correlated to a new type of awareness as well as living with things I did not realize fully until about 11 days ago. (incidentally, I do sort of find myself comforted by the symbolic repetition of this number in my life now)

Finally, after so long, I am able to access suffering in an entirely different and (seemingly) more complete and real way. Not at all in the sense of self-pity or any self-centered spring-off that it commonly can be and certainly was (which is what had to shift in order to access this awareness). It has shaken me in a way few things have.

The enormity of your suffering took the greatest place in my experience of this awareness. This feeling had multiple manifestations, but the catalyst was my plea to the divine (or whatever entity is appropriate within that scope) to release you from harm - including the residue of harm you still carried that was tied to me. Frankly, I was begging and it began weeks ago. I did so without any expectation for the outcome. I hoped it might act as penance but knew that was even asking for quite a lot.

At the peak of my experience I found out that my plea was answered in a sense (didn't take much investigation so I take no credit whatsoever for any kind of brilliance). I feel such an immense sense of duty to develop that "higher" self, the advocate. I hope someday I can be even one half the advocate, of remotely similar spiritual importance for someone else, as you have been for me. Great efforts toward generosity of spirit and love and all types of care may be returned with indignation, ignorance, blithe self-interest, and outright cruelty. A seal on this lesson, no?

I feel just as out of bounds here as I did writing about the salmiak rocks a week ago (now archived from this blog), but, I have an almost uncontrollable compulsion to write. I can't apologize for that.

I wish you the best on the journey. I know your great goal will be achieved. Hermes never, never, ever gives up.

This is the force of all force, it will overcome everything subtle, and penetrate everything solid.
In this manner, the world was created, but the map of this road is hidden.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Without lie, certain and most true: What is below is like what is above, and what is above is like what is below, to accomplish the miracle of the One thing.

(Hermes Trismigestus - from The Emerald Tablet)

and so this chapter is completed.........

y o u

2008-11-08T23:54:00.003-06:00

you are about the size of a large grapefruit, you and I have not met face to face, we don't exchange words, and yet you are the single most important being in my life. the frequency and the nature of thought about you so far surpasses any academic rigor, fanciful daydreaming, and anxious mental hula hoops that you might as well be the divine itself. well, really you are.

I will drape the katag near where you put your head to sleep and the sand from the sand mandala will be a gift for you when the time is right. I am beginning to wonder if I really collected these for you.....and I am happy to be a catalyst.

Tears For A Swiffer

2008-11-06T14:41:00.011-06:00

How difficult the choice to engage in simple things
Less brilliant in their scope on the surface,
No great reward in sight,
The spark of motivation easily fizzles.

Foul soap bubble,
I would rather have an onion on my naked eyeball.
Wicked dust bunny,
You are no threat to me and my slipper socks.
And as for you, Mr. Hoover...
I would rather fasten myself to a tetherball pole
Than push you up the stairs.

2008-11-02T09:48:00.003-06:00

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture.

Still treat each guest honorably,
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

-Rumi-

aspqhtmlsqlwtf

2008-11-01T21:38:00.003-05:00

Having worked in tech (of sorts) for all of two-ish weeks I can now translate some statements into and out of tech talk (and for some I certainly started with "English").

Allow me to translate:

I'm going to go lie down and keep reading this book about C# = I'm taking a nap, but the book is coming with me.

Let me tell you a bedtime story about asp.net = all of this computer geekery has merged with the realm of fantasy and if you show any interest at all, guard your zippers and buttons.

The problem is not only that the fields are not correlating, the multiplicity box pop-up also interferes with the auto-fill feature and causes the program to freeze = I just don't think this was meant to be. I'm not ready for a serious relationship.

All of my tests indicate it should be working, but let me take a look at it one more time for you = PEBKAC (problem exists between keyboard and computer)

--->

2008-11-01T10:08:00.004-05:00

where your heart is - rising upward
where your hand is - stretching outward
what your mind does - rests in stillness, steady, aware
abundance and nothingness find their deepest correlation
and your spirit will soar, it will also plunge,
but it will always return

fear and doubt are not your companions
attachment and desire are not your companions
this journey is truly yours, and yours alone
and turning back is an option rife with opportunity
but the comforts found with the backwards tread give way
and you are confronted with the only choice you had in the first place
keep going

Invocation

2008-10-30T16:17:00.002-05:00

~~Gayatri~~

Om Bhur Bhuva Svaha
Tat Savitur Varenyam
Bhargo Dvasya Dheemahi
Dhiyah Yah Nah Prachodayaat
OM
~~~~~~~~~~~

Struggling against good things is not, as I once thought, a product of reconciliation with my "shadow" side. It is denial of the Good without reason or cause. A million more hours in meditation, doing asana or any other modality is almost for naught without the willingness to accept and invite it. Though not the first time I have recognized this as a fundamental truth, or had it pointed out to me for that matter, this is the first time it has reached me on a plane that was not intellectual. It has a place of resonance on the physical, energetic, and subtle planes.

That would be why I named this blog as I did (not transferring the lovely lummox moniker), and why the invocation is particularly important. It steers me on a course that will be of greater purpose and use. It feels like I have stepped back on the path I had fallen so far from. It is a continuation of something, it is the beginning of something, and it is ultimately the end of my meandering.